If you’ve been following my blog, or my social media accounts for any length of time this might come as a surprise. As much as I’m a proponent of self care, I don’t think its the cure all for what I hear so many moms going through, what I myself have gone through, and what we need to be talking more about: mom burnout. It’s real. It’s hard. So, so, so hard. And I want you to know, that if you’re going through it: you’re not alone.
I love my children dearly. I love their laughter. I love their “jokes,” I love their creativity and their smiles. I love being there for them when they need me, whether it be to kiss a physical boo boo or to assuage them that it’ll “be okay” when something doesn’t go right.
Except I don’t think I was ever fully prepared for the level of exhaustion I’d come to feel — mentally and physically — when I became a mom. It’s not just from sleepless nights either. It’s the constant demands on attention. It’s the ‘I have these activities and chores planned for today – but oh wait, instead, this child doesn’t want a green spoon, it needs to be yellow- WHY?! And oh no, the dog puked and I need to clean that up; is the other kid now yelling for me to wipe her butt? Where the heck did all this playdough on the ground come from? Now the phone is ringing and I need to answer it.’ Somehow we get to the end of the day and wonder: where the heck did the day go?
But I know you get it. Because you’ve been there too.
Plus, chances are you keep hearing: take care of yourself! Practice self care! Take some time for yourself! I’ll be honest: I preach it from the rooftops in part because it has helped me immensely. Except it’s not the answer, or at least it’s not the whole answer, to the problem of mom burnout.
Find a village
When I had my second, I decided to stay home full time. I thought I was ready for it since I’d been dabbling in working from home since 2014, but being home and with the kids 24/7? It can be lonely… even when your oldest is a chatterbox like little miss. Adult conversation for me can change my whole day, and I’m thankful that I’m starting to build my “village” in our new town. When I needed physical therapy, they were there to help with the kids. When I needed a break or a girl’s night, they’ve been there.
(New to an area or looking to meet more moms for your “village”? The Peanut app is one great way to do that).
Give yourself permission to take a break
So you know you need a break, but then the guilt sets in… you feel like you “need” to be there. The guilt only gets worse when the kids cry or meltdown the moment you grab your keys to go workout, or go to work, or go whatever you need to do to get a break. But your kids also need you to take care of yourself, physically as well as mentally.
I felt some mom guilt going into early August; I’d just spent TWO whole weeks with my kids in Michigan, but I had a girls’ trip/work trip planned for early August. A solo trip. I felt guilty packing their bags. I felt guilty dropping them off at my parents (although I knew they’d have fun). I felt guilty that I was looking forward to the trip. But you know what happened?
I came back relaxed and rejuvenated, and in the process I came back a better mom. It doesn’t have to be a solo vacation either. For the last couple months, I’ve taken 1-2 nights a week to go out — often it’s just to the library to doing some writing or work — but even that short break — and not putting the kids to bed — has helped those feelings of ‘mom burnout’ during the week.
We have to stop being so hard on ourselves
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves don’t we? I’ve been trying to figure out why. Is it because we’re worried about letting our kids down? Are we worried about keeping up with the Joneses and how it’ll look if we don’t do something?
Considering how many other mamas I’ve talked to about mom burnout, I think a big part of it comes down to comparison and thinking that we’re the only ones struggling. Social media is part of the problem: too many “perfects’ or ‘ideals.’ We don’t see the dust bunnies in the corners, boxes of toys dumped out, the pile of dishes in the sink. We don’t see a person’s whole story, and we wonder what we can do to be better or to measure up more.
We “should” ourselves all day long… we should do all these mommy and me classes! We should be picking up the house now. We should, we should, we should… Those “shoulds” are exhausting.
What if we just accept that life is messy? That the days we have it all together are rare? And then maybe, if we keep sharing our “zoomed out” moments, we’ll realize we’re far from alone.
Yes, it’s okay to practice self care
Self care isn’t the whole answer. But I do feel like it’s part of the answer to mom burnout. Self care doesn’t have to be some grand adventure or trip either (although those are welcome when we can fit them in). Sometimes it can be as small as reminding ourselves to breathe, to repeat a mantra (mine lately has been: “Inhale peace, exhale anxiety.”) Or sometimes it’s simply giving myself permission to sit down and read. But wait, isn’t that counter productive? A to-do list a mile long and I’m taking a break and reading?
Yup, because even just a few minutes of sitting down with my journal or my book can do wonders for my mood. That said, I can’t even begin to tell you how many half-written sentences are in my writing journal!
You are a good mom
When you’re reeling with exhaustion, when you just need a break, and it feels like the only way the kids will listen is when you yell, please remember this: you are a good mom. The fact that you’re wondering if you’re a good mom? It means you’re doing just fine. You’re trying. You’re there. You’re present. Even if you need to take a break from the whole parenting thing, which I 110% advocate for? You’re still a good mom.
Still, how do we solve this mom burnout crisis? Is it even possible in the society we live in? I vote we first look at the problem itself: the way motherhood pulls us in every direction. We need a village, but the village itself needs to be a supportive and empowering one. We need to take breaks, but we can’t be so hard on ourselves when we do. And we need to know that we’re not alone in how we’re feeling. Is this solution perfect? Heck no, but I do feel like it’s a step in the right direction.
What do you do when you’re feeling mom burnout? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
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